Today I finally unloaded on my husband about how I was feeling, we decided to take the girls to our local shopping centre so we could have a look at new fitness watches, I had a big night on Friday night (drinking with school Mums) and spent most of Saturday hung over.
As we were driving to the shopping centre I said to my husband how I really wanted to give up drinking wine, how I’ve felt so scattered, lacked direction , felt lost and like I wasn’t myself anymore. The pressures of motherhood have been really wearing me down, my children are so young. In one way I want to cherish every second of them being babies because I can see how quickly they are growing up, yet on the other hand I am looking forward to when they are less dependent on me, when the octavos of their voices goes down several notches, when they can communicate properly and when they no longer need me to undertake their basic human functions (e.g. Nappies).
The more overwhelmed I’m feeling, the more drawn I am to having my evening glass of wine. I was reflecting today with my husband that I haven’t always been a drinker, but today, I think I can honestly say that I believe that I am an alcoholic. Not a day goes past that I don’t have a drink. And if I am really honest with myself, it’s never just one drink.
Late last year I quit alcohol for a month and was blown away by the physical transformation I felt, I had lost weight without even trying, however it didn’t take long for my evening drinking resurfaced and I was starting to identify as an alcoholic. These days whilst I’m not drinking nearly as much as I used to, I am certainly drinking more than I should. Some nights I’ll have 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of red wine, other nights I will default to whiskey, thinking the diet coke will result in less calories.
I sleep heavily, probably because of the combination of alcohol and valium (for an acute back injury that I suffer), but I always wake up tired.
I know that without a doubt I have an addictive gene, so many of my family have either had alcoholism or narcotic addiction. I haven’t always been this way, but I know that if I don’t change, I will self destruct. That is one comment my husband had for me is that I do have self destructive tendencies.
I’m determined that this is a time of change in my life, I really want to get my body back to a nice lean and healthy physical state, I don’t want to be dependent on a glass of wine in the evening or on social occasions and I don’t want to suffer the long term consequences of progressive drinking.
Side effects of my drinking
To date, I know that I have the following side effects from excessive drinking:
- My short term memory isn’t great, sometimes I feel like there are holes missing in my mind
- I’m regularly ‘tired’ and hungover. Whist not bed ridden hang over, I do feel terrible some days (especially if I’ve been to the gym and then proceed to drink)(
- My skin can be red and patchy
- I’m bloated, particularly around my stomach
- Skin tone isn’t great
- Yellow stained teeth.
So I’m on the journey. I’ve taken a plunge like no other and committed to going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting tomorrow night. I feel that I need to tap into something to help me, sure, I can take medication to stop drinking cravings, but with my back pain I already take enough medication and besides, taking medication isn’t going to get to the root cause of my problem.
So today is my second official day of sobriety, yesterday was a default day (thank you to a hangover) and my goal is to be completely alcohol free. I know I have many issues that I need to unlock and there is something that drives me to abuse alcohol, I need to get to the bottom of these because I owe it to my beautiful daughters and my wonderful husband.