Last night I went to bed after my meeting.  I had taken a single valium on my way home from the meeting, preempting that I would be a little strung when I got home.  I am lucky, my wonderful husband, whilst going through his own challenges at work, wanted to listen to me and hear how my first meeting went.  We debriefed, and he opened up about how unhappy he has been.  It has already started to occur to me that in my self destructive haze of drinking and now attempting not to drink, that I haven’t been a good wife to him.  I have failed to listen to him and ‘care’ about how much he has been suffering at work.  

He looked tired, he told me that the girls had been waking at night and perhaps because I was so smashed on the alcohol I drink in the evening and the sleeping tablets I take to try and stop my thinking, that I had become oblivious to what has been happening when I slept.  Here, my husband who is responsible for working to support our family’s financial success, has been not only taking on the day work, but also having to carry my burdens because I was too drunk to hear my children wake up over night.

Last night, sober, I finally heard my kids cry through the night, my daughter yelled out Daddy, a little part of me was sad that she knows dadd is the one that rescues her from her bad dreams.  But instead of letting that get the best of me, I jumped into bed with her and let my husband sleep through the night. All because I could do that without the alcohol.,

This morning I won’t deny myself, but I am anxious, on Friday night I went out with the mums from kinder, I drank too much and can’t remember how I behaved, so I am anxious about seeing them.  But I’m also anxious because I know that tonight, I won’t be able to take respite in my usual drug, alcohol.

For as long as I can remember, alcohol has always helped me get my focus.  Every glass of wine has helped me get into my creative spirit, it has allowed me to focus on the work that I was doing, w whether that be write a thesis or crunch numbers, it has freed me to talk to people I otherwise wouldn’t have talked too.  But obviously, if I can’t be creative on my own, then this is not true creativity.