So today marks day 5 of sobriety, again last night I slept pretty well overall, I did take a couple of valium to take the edge off. I went to the doctor this morning for a few medical issues and asked if I could get more valium, she said that she couldn’t as it is highly addictive. So I’m now acutely aware that I will need to save my valium for when I really need it, because without alcohol and without valium, I’m up shits creek.
Today has been frenetic running around like a crazy person, getting my kids and husband out of the house was intense because I had a doctors appointment so my husband took the kids to dancing, but because they spent the morning with me, there were tears when it was time to seperate them (they are both daddies girls!).
Thinking I didn’t want to go home and spend the afternoon pondering my current sober existence, I took myself to the local shopping centre to collect a few items. I walked around for ages with the girls, taking time to ‘try things on’ that I didn’t need and enquire about other products that I wasn’t intending to get. At least this kept me away from going down to Coles and entering liquor land on the way out.
At the moment I know I have several bottles of Wine in my cupboard and for the first time in the past 5 days I actually think about opening one. I know this isn’t a good idea for obvious reasons.
My husband and I have been speaking about how to go to AA meetings and how frequently I should be going, initially I was thinking I could do weekly (because I’m so tough) but now I’m thinking perhaps going either tonight or tomorrow night should help. I really want my sobriety to succeed, I want to be healthy, I want to be skinny, I want to be sober and I don’t want to regress.
I have found myself drawn to watching youtube clips on people who have had battles with sobriety, in particular women and mothers, and I keep comparing myself to them. Some of these women had alcohol hidden all over the house, they would have to sleep next to whiskey and they would drink half a carton of wine or more throughout the day. I keep thinking that I’m not that bad, but the reality is I know I’m not good.
Attempting to minimise Alcohol Consumption
The past few months I’ve ‘tried’ to tapper down my alcohol intake with smaller glasses but this has clearly not been successful, all I’ve done is to drink more glasses of wine and quicker because the glasses were smaller.
The reality is, with trying to minimise my wine consumption with smaller glasses, I was actually drinking more because I was going back to the bottle quicker. I’m starting to realise that when you are an alcoholic, you just can’t drink.