As an alcoholic, one of the reasons I’ve personally struggled with pursuing sobriety is because alcohol has always helped me escape. When I have fucked up, made a fool of myself, had a bad day a drink has always made that problem go away, or so I thought. The reality is, I have been using alcohol to mask my feelings for a long time.
So why have I used Alcohol as an escape, there are probably many of reasons but when I look back, there was a day in my life when everything changed, my confidence subsided, I felt powerless and my self esteem was rocked forever. It was the day I was sexually assaulted.
When I was quite young, I remember being in a swimming pool playing with my brother and a family friend. We were playing games where the older boys were flipping my brother an I in the pool. Whilst one of the older boys was flipping me, he moved away my bathing suit and touched my vagina. I remember desperately trying to swim away from him, but he was bigger and stronger and he kept getting back to me and continuing. I was so young, I didn’t realise this was wrong.
When I reflect on being a teenager and young adult, I was definitely emotionally unstable, no doubt teenagers are always susceptible to being hormonal, but perhaps combined with the sexual assault, this was exacerbated. As a woman, I often thought it would be better if I was raped because I always felt that would be more ‘justifiable’ to have issues with, however thanks to the Me Too Movement women are finally comfortable saying that any type of sexual assault or touching is inappropriate.
Binge Drinking to Daily Drinking
As I went through my teenage years there were definitely attempts at suicide and self harm, I didn’t have confidence and I had very low self esteem. I didn’t find alcohol until I was 16 years old, I binge drunk at high school parties and then when I was legal, I continued to binge drink.
As I got older, my alcohol consumption went from social binge drinking, too drinking at home, to eventually drinking at home alone. It became my respite from my world. I’ve constantly been using alcohol to escape and as I have gotten older, I’ve used it as to self medicate. Every night I started having a glass of wine, than that wine has escalated to 2, and then so on.
I think I’ve become an alcoholic through using alcohol to help me sleep, to help me escape, and to stop me from having to be alone with me.