I’ve now been sober for almost 5 months and I’ve also recently suffered my first real health scare. My kids have been pushing me to the limits in every way possible, but that wasn’t what broke me. This afternoon, I was standing in the kitchen flicking through instagram when I saw a friend of ours is publishing a book, I don’t know why, but this triggered another panic attack in my sobriety.
It’s always been a dream of mine to publish a memoir, but I’m nowhere near ready to do that for many reasons in my life. I’m genuinely happy for other people in my life, but at the same time this brought on an anxiety, a sense of self failure, a sense of envy and a sense of jealousy.
I don’t know why I had the tall poppy syndrome, I’m my own worst enemy, it shouldn’t worry me in ANY way when a friend of mine is succeeding, but it does, it brings out my own weaknesses and reminds me of my own failures. It’s humble and sobering.
When we put a mirror up to ourselves it’s confronting with what we see, sometimes I think I need to get off social media, because I shouldn’t care what other people see or do. But the reality is, I struggle to get off social media, the inner me is so curious I just can’t help myself but to click on those apps, and every time I do, it brings forward a sense of failure within myself.
I know this is so crazy, I am a smart woman, I know that people only put their highlights on social media, yet I let it affect me so deeply. I don’t know why, I really wish that I did.
So now, I find myself writing ab out how I’m having a panic attack because of something that absolutely has nothing to do with me at all, I’m missing having a drink and I just want to crawl into my own little shell and run away from the world.
I’m not a perfectionist, I am a go getter, but often I wonder whether my ambition is larger than my capability.