For days now I have been feeling like a total failure, depressed and anxious in every way possible. Ever since my pulmonary embolism my entire world has been rocked, and today, for the first time in a while I actually felt like a glass of red wine.
Now firstly, big disclaimer I am pre-menstural and I am acutely aware that my hormones are running rampant at the moment, however that being said these feelings are not new, they have been coming and going in waves for quite some time. Being a mother, I don’t have the opportunity to sit down and wallow in my own self-pity because my children demand my attention. However being a mother is adding so many stresses and pressures to me, just from the very basic needs of my children.
I was 32 when I had my first child and before that, I had spent many years as an independent career woman, I returned to work when my daughter was quite young and resumed my career right where I left off. With my second child, I took 12 months off work, accepted a redundancy package right before I was due to return to work and consequently I have not returned to any paid work in almost 2.5 years.
Despite the pressures that came with my career, the deadlines, the politics and the sheer workload, at least I would get a break. As a mother I constantly have kids in my personal space, I never have a moment of silence and I constantly hear whinging and nagging, it wears you down and is leading to depression and anxiety.
Despite feeling like a complete and utter failure, an outsider looking in on my life wouldn’t think that there is a thing wrong with me. My house is well maintained, my marriage is perfect (definitely no troubles there!), we live in a beautiful house in a great area and my kids are behaved when we are out of the house. But inside, there is a woman suffering, failing, hiding her depression, hiding her anxiety and hiding her alcoholism.
I have a doctors appointment scheduled this week, and I think I need to discuss in detail these feelings with my GP and look at the most appropriate course of action. The reality is counselling isn’t for me (I’ve never really found it works), maybe it’s time to look at medication, maybe it’s just something I need to overcome, or maybe it’s just cyclical and situational.