My husband has been interstate for 4 nights this week, and every single day has felt like an eternity. I’m trying to understand whether motherhood is harder sober or if it is just hard? When I drank, I knew that I had a glass of wine (or bottle) to look forward to at the end, or perhaps a little earlier.
Since starting my sober journey the only thing I have to look forward to in the evenings is going to sleep. My children literally wear me down from morning until night, I thought that motherhood was what I really wanted in my life, but now, 4 years in, I love my children but I despise the job. I don’t get a moment of silence throughout the day, I don’t even get the opportunity to use the bathroom on my own. My 4 year old is deliberately pushing the boundaries and my two year old has discovered that she can scream at an ear curdling level.
I just want time on my own, time away from my life, time alone, time to gather my thoughts, time to reset my life. Before I had children, I was such a selfish person and I was unapologetic about it. But as a mother, I have to be so selfless and no matter how selfless I am, the more they want from me and the more I feel like I’m loosing me.
I’m craving creativity, I’m craving adult company, i’m craving wine. That feeling of the first sip of red wine passing my lips, going down my throat and warming my belly, the buzz that I get when the alcohol starts to take over my psyche, the escape and release I get when I’m free from inhibitions and I’ve mentally escaped from my reality.
I know that alcohol is not the solution, but some days it just felt like such an amazing reward for such a challenging day. No-one really tells you how hard parenthood is until you are actually a parent, I guess there is no way you can articulate it and no-one would believe you. Plus, if I actually knew what I was signing up to when I became a parent, I don’t know if I would actually do it.
I’ve been contemplating a lot lately whether my struggle is being a mother, recovering from a major health scare, being sober, or I’m just depressed. I can’t seem to get my mojo back, I’m haphazard in my approach to life, I’m disjointed in how I function every day, and I feel so incredibly insecure about myself, even though, I have my shit together.