I’ve written before about my depression and anxiety, and it’s becoming more apparent that in my sobriety, I am a sober alcoholic and have mental health issues. This week I had another health scare, since I was diagnosed with my pulmonary embolism, I’ve been suffering from underlying anxiety. Whilst I think my PE has resolved, I am having issues resulting from the side effects of my blood thinners (Xarelto / Rivoroxaban).

I’ve always eaten a relatively clean diet, I don’t like the taste of red meat (never have) and now I pretty much eat a vegetarian / pescatarian diet. As a female, I’m prone to iron deficiency, but since I’ve been on Xarelto / Rivoroxaban, I think I’m suffering from iron deficiency and perhaps even anemia.

On Wednesday, I woke up and immediately I felt unwell, I was dizzy, faint, I had cold hands and feet (despite it being a 30 degree day) and I felt nauseas. I was petrified, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to care for my children whilst also caring for myself, I don’t have a lot of help here. I ended up taking our bluetooth speaker outside, lying on a picnic blanket and encouraging the girls to dance around the backyard and enjoy the great weather while I lay down, attempting to get some rest and supervise them to the best of my ability.

I realised that I really am still suffering from anxiety and depression, my Pulmonary Embolism has really rocked me to my core and taken my anxiety to the next level, every time I have a niggle or a health scare, I end up with anxiety. I also feel my depression levels rising, not only dealing with my health, but I am also a mother of two children at a very challenging age (2 & 4), I never get time to myself and I feel like I’m constantly fighting with a brick wall. I’m burnt out, I’m fatigued, I’m mentally exhausted.

I haven’t had a chance to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous for a while because I haven’t had the physical energy to get to meetings, but I know that I need to make contact with my sponsor again because I need to finish my step work, I also know that I need to get back to meetings because if I don’t, then I am at risk of a relapse.

I’m really starting to own and realise that I am suffering from mental health issues and for most of my adult life I’ve tried to medicate this with drugs and alcohol, instead of acknowledging that I have this condition, and treating it accordingly.

My mental health issues have certainly stabilised since I’ve quite alcohol, but it is definitely cyclical and tough. In my early days of sobriety I really tried to manage it with anti-depressents, exercise, creativity and writing, however since my pulmonary embolism I haven’t been able to do exercise and I realised that the anti-depressents were taking away some of my soul.

Every day still is a struggle, but I know that I am so much better since quitting alcohol, it’s not easy, but I know that whilst I still don’t have complete control over my mental health and my stage of life, I have a lot more control than I did 6 months ago when I was drinking every day, and managing my current life.